§ We came to this world to LIVE OUT LOUD.

Rethinking Everything In My Life

Apr 23, 2019

 

I wake up exhausted even though I slept eight hours last night. It was a fitful sleep because so many things are weighing heavy on my mind and heart.

I’m 48 years old. My oldest daughter is leaving home to do her last two years of high school at a boarding school. I’m going to miss her terribly and it’s breaking my heart.

But it’s also making me reflect and rethink everything in my life.

Our family. Our marriage. My career. My friendships.

Am I happy? Is this enough?

How will the four of us “be” together once one member of the family is gone?

How do I regain more of that “I am so in love, I can’t wait to see him” feeling that I remember from the pre-kids era of our marriage?

I started my personal growth business when I was pregnant with Jade nearly 18 years ago. Have I done enough? Have I achieved enough? Have I contributed enough?  The answers feel like a resounding “NO! Not yet. There is so much more for you to give.

How do I want the rest of my life to be?

It feels like everything is open to examination. I can’t take anything for granted. Just because it has worked up until now doesn’t mean it will work well going forward. I want to live intentionally, consciously. If I only get one go around in this life, there isn’t much time to waste.

It’s an uncomfortable place.

It’s a painful place.

It reminds me of depression, at times.

Except that I know that they are actually growing pains.

The discomfort of pregnancy as I grow within me the new version of me and my life.

And the pain of childbirth will probably follow as I make some much needed adjustments and changes and give birth to the self I am now meant to be.

It’s going to hurt but I have been through this process before – when I healed major childhood trauma in my 20’s, when I became a mama in my 30’s and when I moved the family abroad in my early 40’s – and I know that I always emerge stronger, better, more powerful and with a much richer, more authentic life to show for it.

So I put on my big girl panties and I do the work.

    • I go for a brisk walk in the park and allow the green of the trees and the grass to heal me.
    • I speak to a dear friend and allow her support and care to soothe me.
    • I stretch and feel into my body and thank it for all it does to help me live the life I want to live.
    • I do my Havening practice and instantly feel better with a renewed optimism and sense of possibility. Perhaps the future will be even better than the present?
    • I do my gratitude and visioning practice and envision the future I want to create. I am starting to feel like it’s possible and maybe even doable.
    • I meditate as heart healing music plays in the background and I feel renewed and rejuvenated. I am chomping at the bit to start working and write this blog post.

The work is powerful.

So what about you? What’s the work that helps you be your best self?

I would love to hear from you so feel free to leave your comments below or get in touch with me at natalie@nataliematushenko.com.

Happy Tuesday!

 
xoxo,

Natalie

 

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