§ We came to this world to LIVE OUT LOUD!

I’m Turning 50 This Year!

Jan 28, 2020

This is a big year for me!
My oldest daughter will turn 18. My youngest will turn 10 (double digits!).
And I’m turning 50.
I don’t really think much about turning 50 most of the time. I feel great, energetic and full of zest. I proudly tell people that I’m 49 and secretly love the surprised look on their faces as they say, “Wow! You don’t look 49!”.

(Although I’m aware that if I were fully comfortable with aging, it wouldn’t matter how old or young I look.)

I have come a long way.

I have had an issue with getting older from the time I was 9 years old.

My pragmatic Soviet engineer mom, who didn’t usually show much emotion, was very sad about me not being a little girl anymore and she made comments about it all the time. I remember trying to act younger than I was and ask her questions I already knew the answers to just so I could still be her baby.



I was 11 years old when my mother turned 32 and I still remember her scrutinizing her face in the mirror, lamenting the new wrinkles that were appearing.

And don’t even get me started on when she turned 40. She laid in bed “depressed” all day despite the big party she had planned for that evening.
Add to that a huge number of serious health issues in my family which led to comments like…

“It’s all downhill after 40. Just wait until you turn 50, everything is going to go. Once you hit 60, just forget it. You will be an old woman.”

My models for aging weren’t great.
I cried when I turned 20 because I wasn’t a teenager any more.
30 was tough. I was married and contemplating having kids. I noticed a few gray hairs and pretty much freaked out.
By 40, I had done about two decades of personal growth work and I felt pretty darn good in my own skin. Age was just a number. Plus, I had just given birth to my youngest daughter and I was way too sleep deprived to care about my age.
And now 50 is coming up…
I still can’t quite fully wrap my head around it.
Mostly because I remember holding my first-born in my arms when she was an infant thinking I would be 50 when she went off to college. That seemed so far off into the future and NOW IT’S HERE.

How did that happen?

What I realize as I write this is that it’s not aging that bothers me.

The wisdom I’ve gained and the inner peace I feel are worth the extra wrinkles and extra gray hair, which society tells me makes me unattractive.

I wouldn’t want to live my 20’s or 30’s again. My 20’s were very painful as I struggled to heal from a traumatic childhood and uncover my own voice.

My 30’s were full of insecurity (as I embraced motherhood not having had the role model that I needed), the desire to please others and caring way too much what other people though. Although I appeared calm and like I had it all together, on the inside I was often riddled with anxiety.

My 40’s is when I really came into myself. Sure, there have been struggles and some age-related ailments not to mention those pesky peri-menopausal symptoms until I learned how to balance my hormones.
So as far as I’m concerned, LIFE JUST GETS BETTER WITH AGE.

And we women are like fine wine; we get better with age.

What I can’t quite yet feel at peace with is the passage of time and shifting relationships. My three daughters are growing up. They don’t need me in the same way they used to.
I know that I have a close relationship with each of them, but it’s only my 9-year-old whose face still lights up when I walk into the room. (My friends tell me that I should be grateful that my teenagers, despite being very independent and outspoken, still want to hang out with me and one of them even likes for me to lay down with her before bed.)
I’m a little scared of what the future will bring as they grow up and head out into the world. I sometimes just want to freeze time so my 9-year old doesn’t get any older (hmmm… I sound just like my memories of my mother… I need to look into that) and so my teenagers stay close and continue to make family a priority.
When my kids were younger, I used to dream of having more time for myself.
I’m also concerned about losing my health and vitality. I love my healthy, strong, flexible body and want to keep hiking, kayaking, white water rafting, horseback riding, zip-lining and traveling until my last day in this incarnation.

Can you relate?

I turn 50 in December so I pretty much have the whole year to process it all and to celebrate my life.
Here’s what I decided to do this year:

1. Give myself the space to really feel my emotions.

Grieve whatever is left to grieve for the regrets and the losses. Heal whatever still needs to be healed so that I can approach each day with joy and love in my heart.

2. Honor and celebrate the abundance in my life.

It is a huge gift to have lived for almost 50 years. To have loved and laughed and healed and danced. To have given birth to three amazing girls. To have grown in a partnership with my soulmate for 27 years. To have connected deeply with so many amazing women and have had the honor to help them heal. To have had so many adventures.



3. Become the healthiest I have ever been.

Eat clean. Work with a personal trainer to increase my strength. Prioritize inner peace over getting more things done. Meditate daily.



4. Become more visible.

Speak out more on the topics that I’m passionate about. Finish the book I’ve been working on for years. Connect with even more women.

5. Plan lots of trips and adventures because that’s when I feel most vital and alive!

I’ve already planned the following:

A hiking trip in Mexico with my college BFF in February.

Florida, Boston and Vermont in March.
A serious expedition into the heart of the Colombian Amazon in April.
A 5-day mediation retreat with the monks from Plum Village in May.
A road trip all over the US to visit colleges with my oldest and 2 weeks at Mindvalley U in Amsterdam this summer .
A weeklong couples Tantra retreat in the Canary Islands in September.
Back to Florida for a week in October.
Some amazing month long trip with the entire family in December/January.

It’s funny how I’m never too busy to do what I love and travel is definitely it!

What about you? How do you feel about aging? Milestone birthdays??

I would love to hear from you and create more community so leave a comment below or reach out to me by email at natalie@nataliematushenko.com.

Happy Tuesday!





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