§ We came to this world to LIVE OUT LOUD!
The Secret to Lasting Love
I recently heard the wisest words on relationships that I have heard in a long time – “Love your partner (substitute children, parents, friends) as they want to be loved, not as you want to be loved”.
Spoken by Arielle Ford, a love and relationship expert and best-selling author who has amassed over 200 hours of interviews with the world’s top relationship experts.
I was interviewing Arielle on how to make love last long-term. She shared her personal story of getting married for the first time in her 40’s only to realize that she had no relationship skills. The relationship skills she saw modeled as she was growing up – complaining, criticizing, fighting, manipulating – didn’t help her have the kind of marriage that she wanted at all.
I could completely relate.
And I bet you can too.
How many of us saw the following growing up – honest and respectful communication, cooperation, compromising so that both partners’ needs are met, affection, etc.
Very few I’m willing to bet.
So, what do we do?
If we are wise, we work on ourselves. We heal our past wounds and traumas so we don’t project them on our partner or can at least catch ourselves when we do. We learn to communicate more lovingly (unless we are really, really triggered). We become empowered and set boundaries and ask for what we want.
We try to love our partners as we would want to be loved. If we want affection, we give affection. If we want support, we give support. If we want presents, we give presents.
And then we wonder why we feel so frustrated, pissed off and even so unloved at times?!!!!
The answer is simple: we all speak different love languages.
According to Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, there are 5 love languages:
– Words of Affirmation
– Physical Touch
– Quality Time
– Acts of Service
– Gifts
Some us feel loved when we hear words of endearment or how smart or beautiful we are. Some when our partner caresses our back and kisses our neck. Some when we feel deeply listened to and spend quality time with our partner. Some when our partner does things for us. Some of us feel loved when our partner buys us presents.
And we tend to give what we love back to our partner, who most likely has a completely different love language (opposites attract, after all) and then wonder why they seem underwhelmed by our expression of love.
They don’t feel it. It’s like speaking to somebody in a foreign language and expecting them to understand.
I love how all of this has a super simple solution.
Love your partner as they want to be loved. And tell them how you want to be loved. Share what your love languages are and then give it to each other.
It’s kind of like getting presents. Isn’t it so much easier to buy something for somebody when you know what that person likes? And doesn’t your partner appreciate knowing what you like, instead of having to guess.
Again, all this applies to your kids, friends and family members as well.
So, what about you? What’s your love language? And what are the love languages of those you care about?
As always, I love hearing from you so feel free to leave a comment below or get in touch at natalie@nataliematushenko.com.
Happy Tuesday!
Natalie
I really loved this entry about love languages. As a 56 year old newly single woman, I need to learn this. But mainly I need to stop picking emotional and sexual disasters as mates.
Elaine???? The Elaine I have known for 25 + years? Pls email me at natalie@nataliematushenko.com. Would love to reconnect.